How to Connect With Your Teen Without Teasing or Judgment

Why Teasing Your Teen Isn’t Funny — It’s Harmful to Your Connection

You were teased as a teen and you turned out fine. Why shouldn’t you be able to have fun and tease your teen? To you as a parent, you are joking with your teen about their messy room, their latest fashion choice, or how they played in the big game, but to your teen it can land differently. During the teen years, teenagers are acutely self-conscious, they are building their identity, their self-esteem is developing - it is our job as parents to build them up as much as we can, not to inadvertently pull them down.

As parents, one of our most important jobs is to keep the lines of communication open between ourselves and our teens. When teens feel judged or mocked, even if it is meant as a joke, they begin to shut down with us. Trust becomes fragile. In this post, we’ll explore why teasing can damage your relationship with your teen and what to do instead to foster connection, confidence, and honest conversations.

Research shows that when we connect with our teens they are more likely come to us with their worries, to ask for advice and for help if something goes wrong - we will be their safe place. Of course, staying connected doesn’t necessarily mean always being the best of friends, it doesn’t mean not setting boundaries, but it does means always maintaining trust, connection and communication.

And yet… so many little moments can chip away at that connection and trust without us even realizing or intending it to. Like if we consistently don’t follow through on the promises we make, or if we tease our teens about certain things, we show them that fundamentally we as parents cannot be trusted. And it sends a clear message - it is not safe to be vulnerable with us.

Of course in some situations teasing can be fun, and can in fact deepen relationships. When both sides are on board, and when there’s a mutual respect and no power imbalance, teasing can be beneficial and can in fact help you connect with your teen. But, you should always err on the side of caution with your teen - if you’re not sure how it will land, if you’re not sure if you are crossing the line, don’t tease.

Additionally, there are some areas that we should just never tease teens about, because the impact on their mental health & self-esteem can just be too big:

Their Feelings

Teen’s feel deeply, and their emotions and feelings and hormones are often all over the place. This is OK and ‘normal’.  If you tease or judge your teen’s extreme emotions, you show them that it isn’t safe to be themselves around you, it isn’t safe to be vulnerable and it isn’t safe to show you how they are feeling. They will shut down and turn to others rather than you when they need help and support.

Their Appearance

This one is kind of obvious, but it can be subtle also. Teasing or judging your teen about the clothes they are wearing or their hair style can negatively impact their self-esteem and body image. The teen years are a time for experimentation with appearance and style, finding out what feels good and what works for them. When a teen is teased or judged about this, it can make them feel overly self-conscious. Honestly - your teen is probably getting enough judgement & criticism from their peers, without getting comments from their family too!

Their Sports Performance

Teasing your teen about their sports performance might seem like harmless fun, or even motivating, but it can have lasting negative impacts. There is so much pressure on teens in sports, especially in the US. It becomes less about fun and more about performance. Any teasing should come from team mates and sometimes coaches, but never parents (IMHO). In sports, parents should be there for support, encouragement, and motivation, but never teasing. Period. Instead of teasing, try asking your teen how they felt about their game, what they could do to improve next time, what are they proud of about the game. Focus on their effort and growth in the sport, rather than the score or performance (Mental Strength Training for Teen Athletes)

Their Eating Habits

This is a big one for our generation. Many of us grew up surrounded by diet culture, body shaming, and slogans like “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Those messages run deep—and breaking that cycle is hard work, but absolutely essential if we want something different for our kids.

One of the most powerful things we can do is speak to our teens about bodies and food in a body-positive—or often more realistically, body-neutral—way. That means being mindful of how we talk about our own bodies and eating habits, as well as theirs. It’s not easy to step away from the shame and guilt many of us have carried for years, but it’s a crucial part of creating a healthier path forward.

When talking to your teen about how they’re nourishing themselves, try to come from a calm, curious, and non-judgmental place. Acknowledge (to yourself) that these conversations can bring up old emotions, but process those separately. Your teen doesn’t need to carry that weight.

Let’s break the cycle. Approach the conversation with neutrality or positivity, focus on education and empowerment, and leave judgment and teasing at the door. These habits don’t just impact self-esteem and body image—they can actually get in the way of teens developing healthy relationships with food. Instead, try connecting nutrition to things that matter to them: fueling for sports, supporting their energy, or caring for their growing bodies.

How Can I Truly Connect With My Teen?

Instead of teasing your teen, why not try being curious? Ask them questions about how they are feeling. Even if they shut you down, don’t stop asking the next time. Just try a different approach or a different place that you start the conversation - the car is always a good option for us.

Instead of meeting sarcasm with sarcasm, try meeting it with softness. Your teen will be thrown, and they just may well match your softness. When you are soft with your teen they are much more likely to open up with you, and feel safe.

It is a natural and healthy part of adolescence for our teens to pull away and make their own path. As much  it might feel like it, our teens are not trying to push you away - they are trying to see if you’ll stay close, even when they do pull away. Let me know that you WILL always be there, no matter what.

Our main job as parents of teens is to protect the relationship, because when connection is strong, everything else just becomes that little bit easier - trust, communication, boundaries.

Let’s be their safe place.

Let’s keep the door open.

Let’s lead with connection.